CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING A NAN

Congratulations on becoming a Nan. I do hope that you realise that some forms of behaviour and demeanour that, up till now, have served you well will immediately disappear. Please prepare yourself for the following-

 

1. You will develop an insatiable desire to complete jigsaw puzzles and mount the finished products in your lounge room.

2. Meat and two veg will become the order of the day as part of your ‘home’ meals. None of that fancy pasta shit. You will salivate at the prospect of occasionally (i.e. four times a week) visiting the local clubland bistro for ‘all-you-can-eat’ events.

3. Underwear will cease to have a ‘comfortable’ characteristic. It now becomes ‘protective’!

4. You will begin to refer to men as ‘boys’ and your female friends will be referred to as ‘my zany gang’. ‘She’s a hoot!’ and ‘He’s very cheeky!’ will now become part of your everyday conversations.

5. Lines of punters and/or queues will now have no meaning to you.

6. Along with jigsaw puzzles, you will be unable to stop yourself collecting coasters. Moreover, you won’t seek professional help to overcome these compulsions.

7. You will develop an unhealthy interest in overripe fruit– especially apples and bananas. Stewed apple will become your dessert of choice.

8. Alan Jones will become ‘Alan’ and Ray Hadley will become ‘Ray’.

9. A spit trail will become an ever-present facet of your facial ’visage’

10. When you visit Castle Towers you will, firstly, make sure that you wear jeans and, secondly, ensure that they’re hitched up to your neck.

11. Beware of any invitations to join a line-dancing group.